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Mignon Ann Bloch For the Eulogy - please click here In Loving Memory - 14 April 2006
I didn't write up a memorial page last year. Although I did awaken at around 1am (the time of my mothers' passing), I just couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to jot down my thoughts. Another year has passed - it's been 5 years now. It's a long time, but seems like yesterday in some ways. Much has changed and continues to change in all our lives. I still think of my mother daily, just not so often each day. I still see things and think "I wish I could show Mum this, she'd love it". I do things or achieve goals and think "it's a shame I can't tell Mum about this". Mum took a great deal of pride and pleasure in the successes of her sons. But sometimes when other things happen, the thought is more "I'm glad Mum isn't around to witness this". Whatever the circumstance, people sometimes tell me, "but she can see all these things". It's not quite the same - a little two-way communication would be nice :). I often still wonder about where she is - the afterlife, or perhaps a lack thereof. I haven't had the visitations from her that I'd hoped for if there was a life beyond this one - and that's ok. I guess if that little mystery were revealed to me, one way or another, it may remove some of the desire to master this life; perhaps weaken the will to succeed in this plane of existence. I still feel deep down that we are all here for a reason, if not, existing for the sake of existence just doesn't make sense - it's something I'd rather not contemplate too much :). Maybe life is the ultimate trick on us all. My mother believed in something else after this life, something good - and I hope she has found it; she really deserved to. She was also never one for self pity, but something she said to me in her last days stays with me - "the world is a cruel place for people like you and I Michael". I'd never heard her say something like that before - not so much the fact that the world is indeed cruel, but relating it back to herself - that it affected her personally. I didn't learn about how cruel life had really been to her until after she passed. Still, she never let the cruelty of our world change her, she remained gentle and caring throughout her entire life. She found happiness in amongst the cruelty, the pony in amongst all the horseshit so to speak, whereas others tend to become more disillusioned and hardened as life goes on. I've been going through old family photos today, something that I usually only do on this day each year. It's always a moving experience, and for this short time I feel more human and vulnerable than I do for the other 364 days a year. It's not a bad thing, it's good - it reminds me of something very important. For all the tragedy that has occurred in my family throughout the generations, something that has always shone through is that I was much loved and cherished by my mother, even when I turned my back on her and wounded her deeply. My mothers' depth of love for me continued right through until her final breath.. and perhaps beyond. Thank you for all you did for me Mum. I still miss you, I still remember you. |
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